My recent visit to Stratford

You hear this a lot:

face your fears!
fight your fears!
don’t let your fears get the better of you!
embrace your fears!
dive head first into fears!

Etc. etc.

Recent interactions with students have got me thinking about what this means, and I think there is a major misconception afoot.

Students have said to me: “I know I have to stand up to my fears, and push through them.”

I realise that this will just not work, if this means that they’re going to fight their fears, try and whack fear on the head with a mallet. Another word for this: willpower. And it’s a battle you will lose. Why? Because fears are in you and created by you, so to fight your fears is to fight yourself. Does that sound crazy? Well it should, because it is.

There is a subtle difference between fighting your fears and embracing them. Actually once you realise it, it’s a massive difference – it’s yin and yang, black and white, love and hate, marmalade and marmite. “Facing” your fears is neutral, are you facing them about to try and punch their lights out? Or are you about to open your arms, give fear a big hug and let it melt into your embrace?

The latter is the one that works. People seem to think that “embracing your fears” means steeling yourself, pulling a stiff upper-lip, pumping yourself up and saying “right, fear, I’m ready to take you on!” This is the losing battlecry of a maniac. Embracing your fears means just that – letting your guard down, opening your arms and giving fear a big, soft, loving hug. To put this in the context of daygame, you just try it – like a drunk man hugging his friend (maaaaaaate!!!) or a MDMA’d raver hugging a randomer. You approach that fear of approaching with love – that just means, the opposite of fear.

Physically everything is the same – you still get the same butterflies, knotted stomach, racing heart, sweating and all – the only difference is how you look at it.

But why does embracing your fears work but fighting them fail?

Well, as I said before, your fears are created by you (even if they are from experiences, your fears cannot exist without you). If you fight your fears you are only fighting yourself – that’s a shortcut to losing.

So if fighting your fears means fighting yourself, what does embracing your fears mean?

That’s right, you’re accepting yourself. This is the place where magic happens.

gaydame.com … because Day Game makes a Happy Lady