Having been in this daygame malarky for about three years, it’s taken me a couple of thousand approaches, quitting and restarting about 10 times and about 15 nice sexy experiences to realise…
This is not how I was brought up!
I mean, seriously, even with all my success so far in this superb hobby (and I hope success still to come), I still find myself not quite believing it – not quite believing this version of reality as reality, because it goes against everything I was brought up to believe:
1. Girls don’t like you seducing them
2. Good boys aren’t upfront with sexual intent – these people are assholes. Good boys are polite and respectful.
3. Girls will eventually tolerate sex, if you are nice enough.
4. Boys must defer to girls, they are gentle and need to be deferred to.
5. Boys who sleep with lots of girls are automatically evil and demons.
6. You can’t be a good person and be a sexual person.
Which have converted to:
1 Girls love you seducing them (if they want you to and you do it right)
2. “Good” boys are merely dishonest boys (made so by their upbringing), boys without balls, who haven’t ever been in touch with their inner core or experienced true connection and masculine energy. These are not good boys – these are excuses for men. They really are boys.
3. If you are really connected to someone, and you seduce them in the hottest way possible, girls have the ability to love sex in a way that we can only dream of. Girls like sex in all different ways, and most that I’ve experienced love to be totally dominated, told what to do, spanked, caressed, squeezed, scratched. Everything I was brought up to believe was bad and the same as rape.
4. Girls are people too – and just like people, some of them are lovely, some of them are shits, some of them are confused, lost, bored, scared, insecure, greedy, sadistic, brutal, gentle, malicious and everything in between. I was brought up a positive sexist, to feel ashamed of my gender.
5. Even men who use women aren’t demons. They may have demons, they certainly are not happy in themselves, run by the ego as they are, but I’ve learned that how many people anyone sleeps with is neither here nor there. Intention is everything, being is everything. You can be an utter shit and a complete monogamist, or you can sleep with everyone in sight yet be in touch with everything, full of joy for everyone and for life, spreading positivity wherever you go.
6. A person who denies and suppresses his/her own sexuality with the deluded belief that (s)he is moral because of it, is as dishonest and immoral as you can be. Lying to the rest of the world is one thing, lying to yourself is insanity. Look at Ted Haggard. Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.
I remember my first successful, balls-out-on-the-pavement-take-it-or-leave-it approach, just about two years ago. To this day it still feels both amazing and still not reality. How could it be reality, when in that 2 minutes reality turned itself up-side-down and inside-out? Reality became inverted. But the thing that was before it was inverted wasn’t reality. How could it have been? What is reality, if it is not what is? That was when I realised – there is no reality, only my perception of it. Yet with this and all the success I’ve had since then still feels like it’s a dream which one day I’ll wake up from. This is because my childhood belief system is so deeply entrenched that no matter how much evidence there is to the contrary, no matter how much reality seems to change, I still can’t totally accept that my former beliefs are all bullshit, even if I no longer act according to them, realise that they are logically untrue, and don’t live my life on those terms.
Despite this post, I had a mild enough upbringing – a CofE English family (i.e. coffee-christians – went to church but didn’t really believe – I was never moralised at, or told I was a sinner – none of that shit), my parents never told me not to be attracted to girls, in fact girls and sex were never discussed – never brought up at all. My brothers had their fair share or birds, yet with me (more than any of my many siblings) these false and limiting belief systems became deeply entrenched. Perhaps because I believed I was better than my siblings, and wanted to prove this to my parents, I wanted to show that I was “above” sexual feelings, and sexual activity. A hypocrite, and a liar, was born. I wanted to be as far from my womanizing uncle as it’s possible to be, to show mummy and daddy that I’m the best, that I won’t be like him, I’ll be the most holy, the favourite of all the children. It makes me wonder, with my mild upbringing, what about those children who are really, really indoctrinated, either through religion or ideology? How do they ever escape from it?
Needless to say, I’ll go on living in the knowledge that these beliefs I was brought up with are bollocks, and will live in the realm of reality, and what actually is, and how people actually feel, and continue to move from a place of fear of my own self to allowing my self to be, and everyone else to be. But somewhere in the back of my mind it will still feel, somehow, like a dream.
But that doesn’t matter, my new belief will be: life’s a dream.