Feminism is a word loaded with controversy – some see it as female domination, or ugly lesbians, or ugly straights who just can’t get a man, or moaning bitches, or they-want-equality-but-they-also-want-me-to-lift-heavy-boxes-aren’t-they-hypocrites?
I for one am a feminist advocate. I think that gaining social and economic equality is a good thing. The empowerment of women helps advance society – it’s been shown time and time again and the places where women are not empowered speak for themselves.
But the rise of feminism and equality in the last half of the 20th century and the start of this one did not come without a price, particularly in the first decade of this century. Emasculated, wimp-ass, ball-free men. I’m not talking about strength here – I’m talking about a generation of men out of touch with their masculine core. Nice guys. The ones who have gone too far (or, should I say, have been told to go too far). Not wanting to insult women, or offend, of express their opinion or sexually dominate or use their evolution-given masculine energy to proper effect. This is certainly the culture I was raised in – a sort of collective man-guilt for the centuries of female suppression that I don’t deny for a moment. Am I sorry for the suppression of women on behalf of men? No, of course not, because I never did any of it and grouping myself in with men is exactly the kind of tribalism that leads to confrontation and – eventually wars. (As George Carlin put it: “my god’s got a bigger dick than your god.)
But – in fact – women don’t want men to be emasculated (well, all the ones I know, anyway!), and they don’t want supplicant pussies with dicks. Who would? But the confusion between economic and social equality has been mixed up by both sides with sexual equality. There is no sexual equality – man and women have opposite but complementary energies and anatomies. It’s just the way it is! You even see it with same sex partners – one becomes the masculine presence, the other the feminine one. Ebb and flow. North and South. Yin and yang. Cock and minge. Women don’t want ball-free men. But they do want equality. So everyone’s confused – the emasculated man and the masculine power-woman with her gender-ambiguous suit, clutching a cup of Starbucks. The amount of women I’ve talked to now who are in these power-roles (quite unwillingly, but because they feel they need to do it for society) end up crumbling into soft feminine energies when they admit that all they want is to have a family, and care for and protect those they love. A girl who was a well-to-do lawyer type in her mid-twenties once said to me “I’m scared to admit to myself that secretly I just want to have and nurture children with a good man.” (Of course there are some women who are genuinely interested in dominating the workplace and becoming those masculine power-houses and I’ll never take it from them.)
But men, god bless them, have gathered together into a backlash, and said backlash has gone OTT. It’s a bit of bad timing that it’s happened with the rapid rise of internet pornography and the even more increasing treatment of women as sexual objects. It leads to examples such as the guy who went onto a dating site posing as a women and could last only two hours before the harassment got the better of him. Where men who are less than strangers (since they don’t even meet face-to-face) threaten rape, or tell her he’s going to slap her tits, assuming that this is somehow reversing the “lost masculinity of our culture.” Major misunderstanding here.
The thing is that a lot of women do like to be sexually dominated by men. In my experience I would say the majority of them… certainly the ones I’ve been with. Tied up, spanked, taken, slapped, held down… but not all of them, and a lot of men mistake sexual domination with misogyny and objectification – two very very different things. Put simply, one is consensual and one is not. So men sometimes confuse positive qualities with negative ones: sexual domination with sexual abuse, rape fantasies with actual rape, teasing with insults, sexual honesty with lecherousness and persistence with stalking (as in the case of one of my students who I foolishly advised to be persistent, only to see him following a woman down the road, refusing to respond to her very bad signals of “go away”, believing that he was following the “persistence” advice brilliantly. I had also told him to ignore her initial reaction. This advise only works when you assume the guy is PAYING ATTENTION to his surroundings and to the unlucky lady).
With the rise of internet porn and the objectification of women, too many people – including those of the “mode 1” mentality, assume that women like it when you go up to them as complete strangers and say “I want to fuck you in the ass.” When the women don’t like it, of course, that’s not a sign that always being extreme is a bad idea. It’s just because feminism has polluted her mind. (I tried but couldn’t find the font called Sarcasmo).
What I would like to see, and certainly am attempting to set by example, is a return to balance. Women still don’t actually have political, economic or social equality. And let’s not forget in many cases (including child custody) men also don’t have equality. The striving for equality is a good and noble thing, and that’s really all feminism is. As I learn more and more about myself, the world, and the society in which we live – balance is the key. Time again for men to be men and women to be women, in the context of political, social and economic equality. And time for men to learn some fucking sensory acuity and perception, so that women can enjoy being sexually dominated instead of fearing it. I always say that awareness is key. So many are so locked in their head and their beliefs that they don’t PAY ATTENTION to what is happening around them, here and now. Again, presence and awareness.
So let’s bring this back to daygame. Yes, be persistent, but be present. Have a strong frame, but not a closed box. Enjoy sexually connecting but not sexually threatening (you can tell if she wants you to sexually threaten by – you guessed it – awareness), lead but don’t push, tease but don’t insult, practice but don’t obsess and for God’s sake subscribe to my fucking blog already and follow me on twitter @gay_dame