When I was in my 20s, I suffered like most young men who struggle to attract women sexually with the habit of trying to convince the opposite sex logically to become attracted to me. I also did this through dishonesty and manipulation. Trying to convince her that we had the same interests, trying to manipulate situations to look like we were on the same page, thought the same things and just really clicked. This never worked.
“Hey, look, we like the same things… it’s meant to be!”
[a while later]
“Why don’t you like me? Am I not attractive?”
Years later, when I learned about so called “game”, I learned that what mattered was not the strength of my logic or argument but my ability to make her feel, make her feel whatever state I needed her to be in, normally excited, turned on, spontaneous, risk-taking, and my old technique was no way to achieve this. So I learned to stick with exciting conversation topics, eye fucking, embedding innuendo, touch, leading, spinning and all the other techniques. It all came from a place of manipulation, dishonesty and ultimately validation seeking, but it worked. As in I got laid. I didn’t get happy, but I got laid.
“I’ve taken up yoga and when you really go deep into yourself and feel the pleasure, it can lead to nearly orgasmic feelings… when you bring it into sex… it’s another level.”
“You do this cute little hair thing when you’re embarrassed….”
At the end of this I learned about honesty and vulnerability, and decided to inject this into my life, perhaps for the first time. Initially this was successful – being more honest and open led to better relationships, more open and more honest. I would approach without much expectation, go on dates with no plan (no other internal plan – it’s vital to have a logistical plan) other than to express my desire and follow my wants.
“When you walk like that it really turns me on.”
This also resulted in me “closing” years-old leads, who had liked me but never trusted me enough to sleep with me, suddenly finding the trust in my vulnerability and honesty, they opened up to me physically.
And then something happened. Correction, something has happened. I’ve half reverted. The honesty and vulnerability is still there, but I’ve regressed to logically addressing my relationship and sexual problems, which are now many. What this means is that now I will say, once I’m getting an uncertain vibe from someone:
“Look, either you like me or you don’t, you either like my company or you don’t. If yes, let’s hang out, if not I’ll go and find one of the other 200,000 single women in this city.”
Honest yes, vulnerable, yes, but so logical as to be kryptonite to male-female interaction.
I’ve also gone overboard with the vulnerability, oversharing by telling girls on the first or second date about my emotional problems, what I’ve learned about myself, my previous relationships and my insecurities. In the effort to be “radically honest” I drive them away because, ultimately, a woman doesn’t want to be your therapist. Even a friend doesn’t want to be your therapist. But especially not a lover!
“My big needs are comfort and affection, and I tend to get those fulfilled most with sex – it makes me feel wanted and accepted.”
What I’ve lost here is the emphasis on changing the way they FEEL , but doing it honestly, without manipulative intentions.
How does that look? Well, it means grabbing her by the waist not because I’m on a kino escalation ladder, but because I desire her and want to do it. This makes me and her feel good because I’m leading and confident and she feels desired. It’s a win-win.
It means telling her a dirty story (by the way, this is an amazing tool), not to manipulate her into being turned on but because I like telling stories, I like turning her on and I know she likes being turned on. Plus, I’m good at telling stories and enjoy it. Win-win.
What’s my point here?
Well, after 11 years of development in this area I have learned something (or reminded myself of something). It’s not a linear, upwards learning process. It’s messy. You’re dealing with an endless cobweb of complex emotions. Sometimes you regress, sometimes you forget everything and get distracted and lost in your own thought spiral. Learning about yourself, your motivations, your beliefs, your drives and your needs does not necessarily result in more peace, at least not for a while. It can lead to greater insecurities, greater neediness, lower self-esteem (because now you’re dealing with reality rather than a well-constructed fantasy) and overall a really bad time.
In short, life is hard, developing is hard, growing is painful.
But the pain of growth is worth it, because the pain of stagnation is so much worse, where you feel that life is slipping helplessly through your fingers.
The process I’ve gone through is
Number 3 is where the gold is at, and I forgot that. It’s time to bring some balance back in. Number 4 comes from the mistaken belief that “women are people too.” I mean, they are, but when it comes to sexual attraction you can’t communicate from a place of logic and expect any decent sexual openness to develop. This is a lesson I’ve taught my students many, many times over the years. And yet here I am, falling into exactly the same trap.
This is why it’s important to have humility. I’m learning, I’m regressing, I’m fucking up, I’m giving up, I’m starting up again, I’m up, I’m down, I’m on cloud 9, I’m in hell. This is life. Messy, awkward, painful, but what else are we going to do here?