“You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful, it’s true. I saw your face in a crowded place, And I don’t know what to do, ‘Cause I’ll never be with you.”
Poor old James. Funnily enough in today’s society we’ve made a cultural agreement that the only way to meet members of the opposite sex is either drunk in a bar or club, or through an unrealistic pixelated digital representation of ourselves. The only sober real -life ways are through friends (rarely sober, let’s face it), common interest clubs, the workplace or… erm… church (?) (before communion). Bottom of the list – and most socially unusual – is just seeing that girl during your day and – instead of wolf-whistling some obnoxious abuse – just running up to her, telling her honestly how you feel and taking it from there. Unfortunately, the former approach is all too common and the latter all too rare.
In my mind, this daygame thing helps to readdress the balance, and helps to bring about the normalization of connecting with strangers in this way. Normally it takes a tragedy or at least some hullabaloo to connect strangers, I say we cut out this prerequisite and move straight to the connection.
Who the f*ck are you?
Me? I’m just some guy. I’ve been practicing what people call “daygame” on and off for just about five years. Like many who came into this journey mine was trying to regain some control after an especially painful breakup. Enchanted by the promises of the book “the Game”, I thought: If I’m ever going to meet anyone like that again, I need to majorly up my female rate. Through dogged belief in these “systems”, and repeated experiments in clubs and bars I eventually began to abandon the systems (but not the techniques, don’t confuse the two). How? Through biting the bullet and doing a scary thing… letting go. Jumping in – taking that plunge of approaching a girl stone cold sober, in the middle of the day. Naked. (n.b. not literally) Putting my big fat ego on the line and saying – there you go. I’ve been through a hell of a journey over the last few years. It started in a dark place. I know about pain, I know about feeling inadequate, insecure, I know about self-loathing, self-pitying, anxiety, over-thinking, having to wear a certain mask with certain people. I know about feeling depressed, feeling shitty, feeling suicidal, getting anti-depressents from doctors (who give them out like lolly-pops), feeling worse, feeling no self-worth, and feeling like a nothing.
So why are you so chipper now??
Because I’ve come to love life, love people and to look on life as an adventure. How did I do this? By looking at myself. Long and hard. A lot of work over a long time… Slowly realising that my bullshit was self-destructive, and harmful to me and those in my life. And all this came from one place – putting myself out there in the day time, embracing the fear. The reason this approaching sober in the daytime thing is so effective is that – once you overcome it as a concept – you feel freedom, and you realise that these were chains you put on yourself because you were indoctrinated by our culture to do so. Once you realise that, taking them off becomes much easier and makes you wonder… what other chains have I put on myself? Then amazing things can happen. But here are some things that came off the back of this and led to a newer me…
1. Reading. My main book is Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton. I can’t tell you what effect this had on me and how it has transformed my life. Read it if you’re serious about finding yourself and dropping the shit. Reading books like the Game lets you change one kind of bullshit identity for another bullshit identity. A better bullshit identity, but a bullshit identity all the same. The thing to aim for is dropping identities altogether. This is called the “I don’t have an identity” identity. This is the final frontier – once you drop this identity, you find yourself underneath. You won’t be disappointed, unless you find the life-force behind the universe disappointing. See the reading list for more recommendations.
2. Travel. Here’s why getting a back-pack, a return ticket and going somewhere you’ve never been is good: you meet new people every day. There’s no need for bullshit self-images, This is why people say traveling helps you “find yourself”. Yourself means you, without the bullshit self image. The being underneath the person. That’s the problem with hanging around people you already know – you have to live up to the expectations and image you think they have of you (whether they actually do or not).
3. Meditation. I’ve flirted with this for years, but recent enlightenment and amazing experiences – all found from within – have made meditation an amazing tool. Some say that it can help reduce anxiety, reduce stress, make you more calm. All this is true, but with me it’s enabled me to access another dimension, another way of being that makes me laugh at the old way. Have a look at my post “an awakening?”. It has also revolutionised everything else, including learning (leaning everything through awareness), public speaking, meeting new people, daygame and even sex. Sex with awareness is another level that makes a meaningless wank-fest one night stand look like child’s play (and really really boring).
4. Daygame. This has been a five-year unfolding revelation. I’ve spent some time out of it (when I got to obsessed, and daygame became a crutch), but it’s just like travel. Meeting new (and attractive) people every day contributes to you being you as much as possible. It’s magnificent. Here’s the daygame loop: Do daygame –> get to know who you are –> accept who you are –> be so much better at daygame –> do daygame… and the positive cycle repeats itself.
Daygame is a red herring
Some do daygame to get a sex. That’s fine, but it’s a hell of a struggle if that’s your goal. There are much easier ways (tinder, internet dating, prostitution, nightclubs, sex parties) to get a sex. Daygame is a beautiful thing because it restores the natural way of doing things. Not getting drunk in a club, putting on yet another bullshit mask and trying to get some flesh around your knob. This is connection, beauty and truth in its element. After a while of doing this you realise that there’s only one way to do it that doesn’t make you nuts: be yourself. Almost no one is themselves these days, but we love it when we find someone who is! Through being yourself, she can be herself and then you can see if you are compatible. This is where I come from. The wonderful art and dance of seduction. Mutual seduction, as natural as breathing but way more fun (although not necessarily, depending on how far you get in meditation). Daygame is not a goal – it’s the journey of life itself – and it’s wonderful if you come from a certain place. This place is called you. The whole, singular, complete being that is you. So what’s the goal of doing this? Freedom… freedom from the prison of your mind. In our culture (and almost all “civilised” cultures) we are indoctrinated to be imprisoned in our mind. The life work of someone in our culture is to free themselves from this. There are other cultures where they are never put in this prison of mind-based insanity. We call these cultures “uncivilized”, which really means “sane”. (See Jean Liedloff’s The Continuum Concept for a more complete explanation of this).
It’s a bit weird, isn’t it?
Yes. But that’s mostly just the word “daygame”. I’d call it something else if that helps… Fear-conquering? Daytime chatting up? Freedom surfing? I don’t know… It is weird though inasmuch as it’s not done much in society… but then neither is meditation, meaningful conversation, honesty in relationships and honesty in families (I’m still working on mine – it’s a long road), real empathy, living freely… (all of which I’m into)… and the list goes on…So don’t confuse something unusual with something weird, or something weird with something unhealthy.
So you’re perfect are you?
Noooo,,,, No way Joseph. My journey is just starting! There’s no doubt in my mind that I’m just beginning! One thing I learn as I go on is that I can and never will be perfect or even that much better. I’ve just given up the false notion of “better”. The main reason I took up this “radical honesty” lark was not for daygame or personal growth but for health – since adopting it my IBS cleared up and anxiety generally reduced. I have many times found myself lying again, and my health has suffered as a result. The only way to live freely and free of the mind is to tell the truth. Withholding information (especially feelings) counts as lying because it has the same effect psychologically and physiologically speaking. I’m not saying anyone “should” tell the truth. I’m not even saying that I do, but that if we all did, we would have the good life, and we would have freedom. My knowledge in this area makes me feel good and special, even though I’m a hypocrite because I still lie. I often lie about how much I’m lying. That feels better. Here’s a quote from Will Shakespeare to end the tirade:
To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.